Are you allowed to have a crush on somebody in your dream?

Your text brought a smile to my face and stayed on my thought for the rest of the night. It might have been forever since I last heard the word "crush". Shouldn't it already get deleted from our dictionary when we turned twenty-something? Shouldn't it be the stage that we skip in order to fetch for the big L-word? And after all, shouldn't it be a very strange concept as we are (or at least we think we are) among the best in control of our emotions?

But strangely, and coincidently, it is the exact feeling that I was struggling to define and the same question I have tried to answer... Is there anything wrong with a person in a committed relationship having a crush on someone else, as long as it isn’t acted upon?

Crushes are known to be the easy doorway into the planet of strong emotions and affairs, without having much of the distressing hazard involved in really dating someone. One fine day, the thoughts of a co-worker, a friend of friend, or a long lost classmate suddenly show up and keep running in our head; just like very long ago, when we found ourselves adore our teacher, a boyband member, or a brother of our best friend... Maybe, it is just as harmless as it was then, a cute feeling, which deters obligations of any sort; and nothing more than a confirmation that we do admire and get attracted to certain qualities of the opposite sex, such as caring, kindness, honesty, and intelligence... At the beginning, it might seem very hard to settle out things in our mind and especially in our heart but within a few weeks, a few days or a few hours (for your case) everything will even out, and our emotions will all be under control... So for now, dream your little dream, enjoy your little crush, as life, as we know it, will be kind and gentle enough to allow that little spring of emotions...

But sometimes, the innocent crush can turn into an insightful lush. Then will it be the time to reevaluate (or a reason to end) our current relationship?

....

P/S: This is, after all, a non-sense blog for your reading curiosity :) My answer to your text to be given next Monday with all the detailed updates from you...

(Tặng Pan và Nhật Linh)

"Trí tưởng tượng của chúng ta đôi khi lớn hơn và vượt ra ngoài cuộc sống thực tại, khiến chúng ta vượt qua những giới hạn của bản thân, và bị cuốn đi với những hư ảo"...

Vậy là đã năm năm kể từ khi ta ngôì ngắm những vệt nắng cuối ngà bên bờ sông Seine. Trong tiếng nhạc Waltz du dương, những đôi tình nhân già thướt tha lướt theo những nốt thăng trầm cuối cùng của buổi tập. Ta không khỏi không hi vọng, mong sao sau một điệu nhảy cuối cùng nào ấy, ta sẽ tìm được một bờ vai, một điểm dựa vững chãi trên sàn nhảy và trong cuộc đời. Ta hình dung về một tình yêu có thể "lấp đầy mọi khoảng trống trong vũ trụ, khiến ta nhảy muá, ca hát, làm cuộc sống của ta ngập tràn hoa và nắng"...

Nhưng năm năm trôi qua, sau những mối tình, ta vẫn là ta, ngồi giữa Sài Gòn, mơ ước về một điệu nhảy lý tưởng. Quẩn quanh trong khói thuốc, thẫn thờ trong suy nghĩ, ta của bây giờ, hình như đã có phần tuyệt vọng khi chợt hiểu có thể sẽ mãi mãi không bao giờ tìm được một kết thúc như vậy. Những bản nhạc kia sẽ tiếp tục vang lên, cuốn ta đi nhưng sẽ không có hồi kết. Những tình nhân kia sẽ lắc lư cùng ta, cầm tay ta, nhưng không thể ôm chặt ta, dìu ta đi tới giai điệu cuối cùng...Ta dần buông thõng, cảm thấy mọi thứ là một chu kỳ lặp lại, những bài hát ấy, những con người ấy, và những trống trải ấy...

Tất nhiên, ta sẽ vẫn nhảy, vẫn uốn mình, vẫn cuồng say duới ánh đèn mờ ảo, cạnh chiếc loa cũ kỹ. Dù vô định và mất phương hướng, nhưng trong sâu thẳm, ta biết rằng bên cạnh những giây phút tự kỷ, đây là lúc duy nhất để trải nỗi lòng, thật nhiều, thật lâu... Có thể ta đã từng băn khoăn, không biết liệu rằng mình có đang đi qua những vật thể và xúc cảm có thật để tìm kiếm những điều chỉ có trong trí tưởng tượng. Nhưng chính những giây phút một mình với âm nhạc này, ta hiểu rằng, bản thân sẽ chưa thể dừng lại khi trí tưởng tượng chưa được thoả mãn. Nên ta sẽ vẫn cứ nhắm mắt, bay xa. Để rồi khi bản nhạc cuối cùng ấy vang lên, ta sẽ lặng lẽ thu mình về một góc, vì phải chăng trên cuộc đời này, thà cảm thấy hoàn toàn trống vắng, cô đơn, còn hơn lặng lẽ đánh nhịp một cách buồn tẻ và không xúc cảm.

@Paris Deli, Saigon Center, HCM

“If your heart might feel the way mine does, please consider Friday our date”.

It was a perfect message, hidden in a perfect Tiffany blue, accompanied with a perfect birthday gift - a lovely bracelet, from my forever dream guy.

I was breathless. My head was held high up in the sky. I stroke the sun, plucked the star, and saw glowing light everywhere. But right after reaching cloud number 9, I was suddenly trembled and shaken. Immediately, I felt bitterly disappointed, knowing this was just a dream…the most perfect part of my 14 hours sleep …

I wish I should have let myself burst with excitement, joy and passion for a little longer. However, I was too conscious to enjoy the moment… Waking up, I couldn’t help but wonder why romance never exists in reality? And has it become too rare to possess that even in our dream we know for sure that it could never be true?

In our boring ordinary life, we wake up at 7, go to work at 8, have lunch at 12, back home at 5 and go to bed at 10. We might or might not have a boyfriend. And even if we have a boyfriend, in many cases, he is not our dream guy. So on a Friday night if he wants to ask us out, he simply calls and says let’s go to a movie. And we accept it.

It has happened to be a routine for all the guys we date. We are so used to these unromantic relationships that we become allergic to things called “butterflies feeling”, “crazy in love” or “roller coaster of emotions”. It's not that we turn ourselves into those heartless or cold-blooded creatures. We, especially Libras like me, indeed, are quite fond of romance and thrive on passion. Perhaps, it's because we are living in a spinning world, where there's no time for such things. Or perhaps, it's because we haven't found any one to shower us with love, affection and true romance. Or perhaps, in a very positive way, it's because today's men are more into actions than words. He might not pick you a flower, but takes care of the garden. He might not call you in the middle of the day to say loving words, but works his shoulder off to afford a better car.

But I still remember very much my good old days where every occasion was fulfilled with a bouquet of white roses, love songs were sweetly dedicated on the radio, and poems were composed as birthday presents. And I do wish that one day in our time, romance will not take up so much of fantasy, but happen as easy and appear as vivid as it is on screen. At that time, we won't have to seek for romance in our dreams, but can sense it around every corner of reality...

It is quite often said: "show me how you dress, I will tell you what kind of job you are doing". Since forever, dress code has defined our working environment, the type of job and the nature of our business.

That day, on the way to my current fabulous job, I swing by the new office to sign some HR paperwork. As usual, I wore a dress, a sleeveless blue and purple Armani-look-a-like.

At first, I didn't think it was a problem, as I haven't started work, and only came to meet the HR officer. However, my short stop turned out to be an official introduction to members of the team, followed by a very first orientation - the dress code orientation by my future boss. Very kindly and suggestively, she emphasized how much different the working environment of a new place would be from my current one, and that I should not wear anything too revealing, or fashionable, or extra-ordinary...

The morning incident upset me the whole day and many days after. I was disturbed. Not too much about the fact that I gave my future team members a bad first impression, but mostly about the fact that I am throwing myself into a very strange and different environment without much preparation.

In the fashion world, it's an unwritten rule that we have to wear our best, either to an event or to work, not only a trendy outfit, but also one that could make a fashion AND personal statement. In contrast, living in the corporate world, we are or at least I am told to wear things that would help me "blend-in" with others, sadly, not much about professionalism or corporate image was mentioned.

I have no choice but to admit that I am switching from an environment where ideas and creativity are encouraged to a company where code of conduct and rule of law are needed to abide. Besides my closet, fabulous luncheons will be swapped with regular lunch box. Glossy Mac will be left at home and old Fujitsu is its replacement. The entire habit of dressing up, lunching out, thinking creatively, peer interacting, etc. will have to be adjusted. I can't help but wonder how far and how long one can step out of her comfort zone...

Perhaps, I will never find an answer until I really make an effort. So I will be the person who we always describe in job interviews: adaptive, quick learning and willing to try...

But for now, for my last day at work, I am wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a shredded tee! After all, there's not many place in the world where you can truly stand out and be who you are.

Here I am, sitting at the very corner of Nguyen Hue, looking over the empty street after a heavy rain and listening to a Melua hit.

Looking back, I have not done many things that are close to crazy. I didn't run a marathon to train my spirit. I didn't jump out of the window to follow my passion. I didn't hop on a bus to travel to a destination unknown. All I did was moving here, loving you... and parting away...

Twenty-f**king-five. It's not like high school or college any more, it's not the time when you can make mistakes, take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. At this point, you are expected to mature your career path, marry the right guy, and become a grown-up. And grown-ups do not do things that are close to crazy, and do not do things like I did.

So maybe, maybe it's time for me to go back to normality. Work a 9-5 job. Love a conventional love. Marry a stable, clean-profiled guy. That way, I won't have to guess or question if I am doing the right thing. I just know for sure...or don't I?

photo by badboy

When I first moved to Saigon, I thought to myself that I would have a wonderful experience, just like the NYC time when there were so many cool people around, exciting places to go, and endless things to do; especially no curfew and roll calling from parents.

However, reality didn't come as I expected. For exact 15 months here, I went home no later than 11pm, barely hanged out in group, and found no soul-mate or partner in crime. I thought my last week in Saigon would be easily passing by...

But they came. To my surprise, Le, Quynh, Linh (and Huong) came, and immediately changed the face of the city...

Beautifully they strolled down the street of Dong Khoi, brought a new breeze to the city, and to myself. Together we dined, wined, and yes, danced like no one else in the world would be watching...Le's birthday weekend was so short, yet memorable in each and every single way. It was indeed my best time in Saigon.

I am truly glad that my favorite gang has come; not only to give me a perfect farewell party, but also to celebrate an earl-welcome-home moment...It's very blessing to know that besides family, there is someone out there, waiting for you to come home...

@Title was taken from Le's FB Status